Getting My Granny Panties in a Bundle

The other day, I went to lunch with a group of friends and they gave me a birthday present. A thong. Actually, EIGHT thongs. It was and is a joke. Since I’m older than them, I’m sure the idea of me and these thongs was hilarious…and a little icky. But I have to admit, it’s pretty funny.

After we all stopped laughing, several of the women extolled the virtues of thongs and how great they are. Sorry, I’m not buying it.

The concept of me associated with a thong seems awkward to say the least. I grew up in the generation that thought of thongs as something you wore on your feet – i.e. flip flops. Back then, we had two kinds of women’s underwear – bikini and giant granny panties. I am so much more comfortable with the latter. The more coverage the better.

I’m all about comfort. I generally wear somewhat loose-fitting clothing. I like my pants to cover my butt, my “girls” under wraps and my necklines modest. If a shirt is tight, I feel self-conscious. I’m not hideous, but I won’t be mistaken for a swimsuit model in the near future and that’s OK.

When I see boys walking around with their shorts hanging down to their knees, I really want to yell: “Pull up your pants!” To me, clothes are either on or off, which is why the idea of wearing a thong is so incredibly foreign to me. Won’t it get stuck in places where you’ll end up tugging it out? Thongs are so small, what really is the point of wearing anything? To me, the phrase “comfortable thong” is an oxymoron.

They say that with age comes wisdom. I say with children goes your body. Unless you’re Angelina Jolie, Kate Hudson or Katie Holmes and have a personal trainer on retainer, your body will never be the same after you have kids. And I sort of think it shouldn’t be. To me, it’s kind of a badge of honor. Our hips widen, thereby giving our children a firmer foundation upon which to hang themselves when they are still carry-able. You think Angelina’s carrying those kids when the paparazzi are gone? Not with that bony ass!

And so I’m looking for creative uses for eight teeny tiny thongs. Here’s a thought: I’ll bet Martha Stewart picked up a few ideas in the slammer! Oh Martha…….!