School Supplies + Demand = Insanity

So apparently there was a memo sent out to all parents recently and it read something like this: “It is now time to BUY ALL OF YOUR SCHOOL SUPPLIES IMMEDIATELY!” People, it is not even August 1st. No schools are open yet. The floors have not yet been buffed. The chairs and desks are still piled high in the hallways. There won’t be anybody barfing in the nurse’s office for at least a month, but here in Wisconsin, school supply shopping has become the official summer pastime.

That’s all well and good. I’m all for getting a jump on things. I’m notoriously early for virtually everything, but there’s nothing to put a damper on summer fun faster than a trip to Target to buy school supplies.

The problem with this annual buying frenzy is the complete lack of school supply buying etiquette. First of all, they should give us skinny carts or a personal Sherpa. They don’t. The carts are large and the aisles aren’t. Then, they should collect all cell phones and children before you are allowed to enter the school supply zone. Because, to use an educational analogy: Mom + supply list + children (multiply by 2 if they are toddlers) + cell phone + cart = complete and utter chaos.

This year our job was easier. It’s my daughter’s first year of high school and Crayola Fine Tip Bold Colors 24 pack Markers are not on our list. (Thank God!) Her requirements are simple and somewhat open-ended. Nevertheless, we ventured to Target knowing that if we waited 3 weeks, everything left over would look lame, which, in the mind of a teenager is tantamount to social suicide.

So back to these manners-lacking moms. Look, we all expect crowds and a bit of bumping into each other and perhaps a few items that are out of stock. No biggie. But it doesn’t help matters when their carts are parked diagonally blocking everyone, their kids are wandering aimlessly and whining and they are on the cell phone gossiping with their girlfriends. Seriously!

I truly wish that mass merchants would employ School Supply Nazis whose sole purpose is to yell at the slow-thinkers, the picky-choosers and those not truly committed to the task at hand. “C’MON PEOPLE, MOVE IT! LADY, PICK A RULER, YOUR KID DOESN’T CARE WHAT COLOR IT IS. SIR, YOUR CHILD IS ALREADY EATING THE ERASERS, PLEASE LEAVE THE AREA.YOUNG LADY, YOUR BOYFRIEND WON’T BE LOOKING AT YOUR NOTEBOOKS – TRUST ME!”

I know, I’m preaching to the choir here. You people are all well-behaved, make your decisions quickly and don’t take along kids that do not want to be there, right? If not, allow me to introduce you to a wonderful new concept: Buying Online. Yes, you can talk on the phone, coddle your children, consider your choices and dawdle to your heart’s content. Brilliant, isn’t it?