Shall Remain Nameless

Once the wedding is over, the honeymoon spent, the gifts opened and the joint household established, there is one major hurdle that all newlyweds must face: What do you call your in-laws? It sounds like a simple dilemma, but ask your friends and you'll find it's fraught with obstacles and invisible hurdles. Many which last for decades.

I was barely 23 years old when I got married. I was fortunate that both of my parents were alive and well. My husband also had both of his parents and although healthy, they had at least 10 years on my parents. We had a brief discussion with my future in-laws and they said I could call them by their first names or something more traditional. And so, we all just assumed that I'd be calling my in-laws "Mom and Dad" with no problem, thinking that their more advanced age justified the title. I couldn't have been more wrong. I suddenly found myself stumbling when addressing my them. I started mumbling "mom and dad" in a soft whisper because it felt so unnatural. These people weren't my parents! And although they had many more children than my parents did, it just didn't feel right. When I finally stopped to think about it, I realized the problem. I felt like I was cheating on my parents. And so for the first of only a handful of times in my adult life, I took the proverbial bull by the horns, approached my mother-in-law and asked permission to use first names. She graciously agreed although perhaps there was a hint of disappointment which she never ever revealed again. Nevertheless, the problem was solved and I was relieved to be past it.

My husband, not so much. Being more of a casual guy, he's not big on using people's names except in business situations. He's good at making people feel very comfortable and his direct gaze is always warm and friendly. This is great until we were with my parents and he needed to say something to them and they were across the room. You see, he had never had "the talk" with my parents, not really wishing to have that awkward conversation. Gradually, I noticed that he'd walk across the room and sit next to them before speaking. Or, he'd speak louder in hopes that a raised voice would make it obvious to whom he was addressing his comments. He became like a ventriloquist attempting to throw his voice across the room in an effort to avoid calling them anything at all. Years went by before my husband dealt with it. Finally, he had to talk to them for business reasons and he just decided to go with first names. It was touchy at first, but he eventually got used to it.

My friend's daughter recently married and yesterday I asked her what her new son-in-law was calling her and her husband. "Nothing," she responded. She's tried every way to help him through this by giving him options or signing cards with their first names, but he still chooses not to choose. She understands that this is a dilemma for him because she said her husband still, after 25 years, doesn't call her parents anything. My other friend nodded in agreement because in her 20+ year marriage, her husband also does the same!

It's a much more delicate situation than it appears. My friend with the new son-in-law remembered when she started calling her new mother-in-law "Mom," (because it was requested,) and her own mother was upset. Here she was simply being a good daughter-in-law and she ended up unintentionally hurting her mom. Sometimes you just can't win.

Today our society is much more casual and the trend seems to lean toward the use of the more familiar first names. It gets tricky for younger couples, however, especially when they've been dating since high school and it's unlikely they'll easily jump from "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" to "Mary and Bob" overnight. It also seems to be a bigger challenge for men than women, with many never really facing it, instead choosing to remain silent on the issue.

When my time comes to become a mother-in-law, I hope to make it easy on my future daughter or son-in-law by giving them a simple choice. You can either call me "Karen" or "Mom" and if you don't choose, you will forever be banished to calling me "Your Royal Highness." You don't think it's too much, do you?