Great Expectations

With a new year comes reflections on the past and dreams for the future. Many of you are hoping, wishing and planning to become new moms in the coming year. I wish you the very best and I offer you this list of things to consider before embarking on this magical journey. I'm not trying to discourage you, but rather to give you a sort of "caveat emptor (let the buyer beware)" to consider. Anyway, here goes:

1) You will never sleep again. Period. No, I mean you will sleep, but it will never be the sleep of the innocents - the sleep of the child that you just brought into your life. You will sleep in embarrassing places like carpool lanes and auditoriums during recitals and churches and doctors' offices with a lovely strand of drool adorning your shoulder. You will not sleep in your bed because, well babies don't sleep until they turn 13 and then they can't be awakened until they turn 16 and then they go out and don't return home and then you won't sleep because of the imaginary horror show starring them that your mind has created and can't erase.

2) Your thoughts and ideas will never again be thoughtfully considered. It starts when they're young: "Sweetie, I don't think that's a good idea to put the dog toy in your mouth," and continues: "Honey, I think you should start your project soon since it's due tomorrow" and "I don't think you should dye your hair that color the night before the dance." Your opinion will cease to matter, even if it is correct.

3) A child will make you look at your mate differently. Suddenly, you'll start digging through his parents' photo albums to find the recessive gene that made your children have freakish overnight growth spurts. You'll finally start listening when he tells stories of his youth knowing it wasn't just another lame high school story, it's a peak at your future.

4) Your current body? Gone. I don't care if you had six-pack abs going into this, you're not going to come out looking the same or better, despite the stories you've heard of Julia Roberts, Denise Richards and Cindy Crawford. Low-rise will now refer to your bustline. You'll finally get that thick hair you always wanted, but it won't be on your head. And, I'm sorry to tell you, but there isn't enough concealer in all of Sephora to hide the newly-earned bags under your eyes.

5) Start writing things down...now. Soon, you will be doing the not-so-subtle Momba dance which essentially consists of walking into rooms, putting your finger on your chin, and trying to remember why you walked in there. It's often accompanied by quiet, plaintive, "self-talking" to try and work through the mental lapse. Oh yes, and those names you worked so hard to assign to each child? Fuggedaboudit. In a short time, the names will be interchanged and eventually replaced with those of homely aunts that died long ago.

6) Your privacy and personal space are now things of the past. It starts immediately as you carry the 40 pound baby carrier into the bathroom during your 20-second shower and wash your hair to the wail of a colicky infant. Once they start walking, there are no locks to keep them out of the bathroom while you're in there, no matter what you're doing. Once they've reached pre-teens, and especially if they're female, you'll suddenly find all of your makeup, hygiene products and most personal belongings either unearthed, shifted or moved to their rooms.

7) There is no such thing as a worry-free day. If they're sleeping, you wonder if they're sleeping too long or not enough or whether they're ill. You will soon start following the path of every ambulance and praying that it is not towards your child's daycare or school. Really. You think about their grades, their friendships, their fitness, their mental health, their habits, their lack of self-discipline, their obsession with test scores and finally, will they ever come home again.

8) Your wallet is now the toll-booth for your family. Expect it to be aired out often and sometimes cold and empty. If you are not doling out cash, then you are charging, rearranging funds and, the daily exercise of parents everywhere - writing checks. You'll write checks for field trips, textbooks, school clothes, sporting equipment, sports tournaments, coaches' gifts, instrument rentals, dance shoes, prom dresses, car insurance and, maybe one day...a wedding more expensive than your first house. Your wallet and your bank account will see more action than, well than you ever will...again.

9) Clutter. It's your new best friend. It will surround you, embrace you, envelope you and drown you. At first it's pacifiers and baby bottle tops and tiny socks that never have mates. Then it evolves into Happy Meal toys and board game pieces and tiny, sharp Legos that cause great pain when stepped on. Eventually, it's hair bands, and bobby pins and CDs and cell phones and looseleaf paper scribbled with assignments. There is no way to clean it, control it or eliminate it. None whatsoever. Believe me. I've tried.

10) Your heart is forever altered. With the birth of your child, it unexpectedly swells to ten times its normal size. Don't worry, it's still healthy, but do expect it to be broken and mended time and time again. Having a child is the greatest love story you will ever read, see or experience. In one brief moment, you are so taken with this tiny person, that you can't imagine having been complete before they entered your life. Prepare to be loved so much that you're almost suffocated and hated so much that you can't bear it, all because you're doing your job. You will never be the same again.

So, you still think you're ready to become a parent? Then good luck and God Bless. I highly recommend it.