If By....Then

Teenagers form our cultural language. Even though we hate what they say and, most of all, how they say it, eventually, it seeps into our subconscious and we wind up mimicking them.

For instance, the overuse of the word "like." If you've spoken with a teen lately, you'll notice that this word is used so much, it's as if it's taken the place of breathing. They have no clue that they're inserting it into every pause in every conversation. It drives me to distraction. Nevertheless, I find myself using it and I'm pretty sure that most of my friends and acquaintances do too, although not quite to the same extreme.

I also admit to uttering other teen phrases, such as "Dude!," "Awesome!" and "______ sucks." I swear I'm not trying to sound younger, it just seems like when I'm in a pinch, it's what pops into my head.

Even the finally fading "Your mom __________" has jumped to the tip of my tongue only to be pushed back by common sense.

Well, folks, there's a new one, at least to us adults. And, I have to say, it's kind of clever and I'm sure I'll be guilty of using it in the near future. Today I saw it in the cartoon "Zits." I like to call it "If by...then."

Here's an example: My daughter and I will be watching a TV show and I'll innocently say: "That's funny, isn't it?" and she'll respond: "If by funny you mean stupid, then yes." Or we're eating dinner somewhere and my husband will say: "Your soup looks good." And I'll say: "If by good you mean disgusting, then yes."

See what I mean? It's brilliant in that subtle-teen-angst-with-attitude kind of way.

To which you'll reply: "If by brilliant you mean soon-to-be-irritating, then yes."