Ooh, Fun! What Should I Wear?

I just got an "invitation" in the mail. Here's what it says:

Dear Friend, (If you were my friend, you'd know my name.)

Because you were referred to me, (By the person that sold you this mailing list?) I wanted to personally invite you as my guest to attend the nation's #1 Women's Conference. (They couldn't come up with a better title? That's the name of our local Chinese Restaurant.) Featuring some of the Greatest Super Stars all live and in person, including the Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson.(I thought she gave up that title).....As my special VIP guest, (Who are you?!) I have enclosed 2 complimentary tickets. Other attendees will be paying the full tuition fee of $69. (Bet they won't!)

At this once in a lifetime Women's Conference you will learn how to:
1) Use the 7 keys to build lasting relationships at home and on the job. (I have lasting relationships and I'm trying to get them to go to college and start a life.)
2) Apply the 21 secrets of self-discipline to always look and feel young. (Is this applied before or after mascara?)
3) Be recognized and rewarded for your efforts. (Ooh, ooh, make me employee of the week!)
4) Buy real estate for 31%-48% below market value. (Oh sure, another house to clean.)
5) Rapidly expand your circle of influence. (Does this include the catty flock of women that gossip outside school every day?)
6) Develop opportunities for networking. (Oh, I get it! When the cable goes out, I'll be able to fix it!)
7) Use the top money-making secrets millionaires are using. (Like Trump? You mean have a bad comb-over and marry a European model?)
8) Improve the quality of your life and the lives of your loved ones. (If this doesn't include Sephora, Guitar Center and Casino gift certificates, it's not going to improve anything.)
9) Use the essential principles of highly successful women. (Maybe I'm wrong, but this seems kinda vague...)

Whew! I don't know about you, but I think this just made my week. To think that they're giving away the 7 keys AND the 21 secrets all in one free conference. Plus, an audience with Fergy to boot! Be still my heart....I think they have the wrong address. I am not a Martha Stewart or Sarah Ferguson wanna-be. I'm quite happy, thank you. I think I'll just stay at home and apply my own secrets and keys.