What Do I Do?

I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for 4 ½ years. Prior to that I was working about 30 hours per week, having scaled back from full-time work. It was a tough transition, not because the pay was a little less, (um, can you say paycheck to zero in no time at all?) but because I had to get my rhythm back. I had to structure my so-called “career” as a full-time homemaker. (If you’re a parent to anyone under the age of 10, that last sentence meant absolutely nothing. You have no need to figure out what you’ll do with your days because they go zooming past you at 5,000 miles per hour with little time to breathe.)

My situation was a little different. My kids were in high school and elementary school. They were starting to become at least a little bit self-sufficient. And yes, at many points, I was wondering why I was choosing this time of my life to step off the career carousel. But sometimes life changes at odd moments and you decide that you need to move in a different direction. This is what I did.

But back to the challenge of transitioning. When I first decided to “stay home,” I had lovely dreams of organized closets, gourmet meals and charming homespun hobbies. Outside of learning to knit...badly...absolutely none of that came true. In fact, I was barely able to finish laundry before everyone ran out of underwear. I can’t explain it, but I had no idea how to do this – manage a home. My children, who had grown up with a mom who went into the office every day, would come home after school and ask the dreaded question: “So, what did you do today, Mom?” I was speechless. What did I do today? It is still my most hated question. And it goes to the heart of being a full-time homemaker without young children. In fact, my OB/GYN asked me that question at my last appointment, after I proudly told him that the children that he delivered were nearly grown up. “So, Karen. What do you do all day?” I have to tell you, I was kind of peeved. He was questioning the credibility of my existence as a homemaker and I couldn’t respond, except to say: “Well, I’ve taken up tennis.” And since Venus and Serena have nothing to worry about, that didn’t seem to impress him at all.

It made me wonder why it is that we stay-at-home moms feel the intense need to validate our existence. We make life easier for our families in such small and covert ways that sometimes we forget what it is that we actually do. According to a recent study, American mothers would earn $134,121 for the work that they do at home. I think that sounds great, but unrealistic. What stay-at-home moms have always known is that our work is simply not quantifiable and much of the luxury of being home is simply being available, when Suzy is sick or when Billy’s has to stay late at school and needs a ride home or when Tommy’s class is going to the museum and needs a chaperone. The value is not so much in the doing as it is in the being. Still, we Americans look for results....impressive anecdotes and stories with which we regale our friends, neighbors and former co-workers when we meet for lunch. We are defined by our jobs and I have a job that defies description.

After 4+ years, I finally feel like I know what I’m doing, whatever that is. Some days I’m picking through nasty laundry, sometimes I’m roaming the aisles of the supermarket, some days I’m driving around for hours and still others I’m photocopying worksheets for teachers at my daughter’s school. Practically nobody would really pay for these services and yet for me, they’re what I do. They now feel as comfortable as my old shoes. The only problem is that, like everything else in life, they’ll change. The school will change, there will eventually be less laundry and shopping for two will take just minutes. And then, once again, I’ll have to figure out the answer to that question: What do I do?