Distressed, Destroyed, Deconstructed and Dumb

Because this was my lucky week, I took my 14-year old daughter shopping yesterday for spring and summer clothes. In my ranking of errands, I would put this one neck and neck with cleaning out the litter box. It’s not fun and, in fact, sometimes it stinks. However, she has a few events and trips coming up and summer is, hopefully, just around the corner. I know from experience that you buy summer clothes in March or your kid will end up wearing a down coat in July.

We headed right to Old Navy, primarily because it’s relatively inexpensive. If there’s one thing I know about teenagers, it’s that today’s style will be so yesterday tomorrow. In other words, I’m not taking out a mortgage to dress my child in crappy clothes. Why, you ask am I buying “crappy” clothes? Because that is the hot style. Yes, folks, the days of buying new clothes that actually look new are SO gone. I hope you’re sitting down, because this is going to confuse you, as it did me.

The hot new fashion trend du jour is clothing that is distressed, destroyed and deconstructed. Yes, you will be spending your hard-earned money on apparel that looks like it went through your garbage disposal. When it’s new, it resembles the undershirt rags in your laundry room. I kid you not.

The first item that caught my daughter’s eye was a polo shirt. From a distance, the shirts were cute. They offered bright colors and had a little “popped” collar. Then I got a closer look. “What’s wrong with this?” I asked my daughter. The edges of the sleeves were ripped and it had large stitches sewn haphazardly in strange places on the shirt. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’ve seen homeless people in better clothing. “It’s supposed to be that way,” she explained in a gosh-Mom-don’t-you-know-anything kind of way. Here’s how this item is described on Old Navy’s website: “Distressed edges and random stitching give this pique cotton classic vintage appeal.” Oh, silly me. It’s vintage!

Now, here’s the next thing you have to understand: In an effort to explain to sensible adults why they should buy crappy clothing for their children, retailers are throwing around the term “vintage.” Ladies and gentlemen, I’m here to stand on my soapbox and say that the only reason why anything is truly vintage is because at one time it was made well enough to actually last until now! Vintage does not have to mean crap! I know, I’m preaching to the choir here. If it’s fashionable, no matter how ridiculous it looks, they’ll wear it. I guess that’s why they’re called “fashion victims,” right?

Old Navy isn’t the only retailer in on this. Over at the Gap, a pair of “ high quality distressed” jeans (isn’t that an oxymoron?) will cost you $58.00. At Abercrombie & Fitch, “vintage destroyed” jeans with “unique grinding and abrasion” go for a whopping $79.50. At Aeropostale, their “Blown Out Deconstructed Flare Jeans” offer a “comfortable, broken-in look with extensive destruction” for only $49.50. At Hollister, they’re touting their destroyed polos with “nicking and grinding details and deconstructed hem” for only $24.50. What a deal!

People, I think this is insane! It’s like the Emperor’s New Clothes, but instead of naked it’s “not new.” I so desperately want to ask my daughter: “If your friends jumped off a cliff in torn clothing, would you?” But I think the answer would depress me. The fashion industry is giving us the royal shaft in so many ways. Instead of Project Runway, we have Project Pull-The-Wool-Over-Our-Eyes so that we think that this makes sense.

Another reason that this drives me batty is that as parents, we can’t help but worry about how our kids’ appearance reflects back on us. It’s the reason why we nag our sons to get haircuts and steal their favorite pants while they sleep so that we can wash the grime out of them. This new sartorial splendor, or lack thereof, says: “My mom doesn’t care enough about me to buy clothes that aren’t fit for donations.” Yes I do, but you won’t let me!

Alas, like many other issues in parenting, I’m picking my battles and this isn’t one of them. Because as much as I hate the idea of sending my kid out on the street in jeans that are holier than the Vatican, I also understand that teens need to make their own fashion statement, even if it is dictated by their peers. In the meantime, I’m taking a deep breath, remaining calm, and hoping for the day when the winds of change blow through fashion circles and somebody says: “You know what would look so fabulous? Neatly pressed slacks and sweet little Peter Pan collars! Sort of a June Cleaver meets Kate Moss – brilliant!” The only problem is that I’ll have to spend an arm and a leg for it. Between you and me: I won’t mind a bit!