Kill 'Em With Kindness

The other night, my husband and I attended a talk at our daughter’s grade school given by a child psychologist. She was speaking to us about parenting techniques. She was highly recommended by parents from another school in the area. We found her to be very animated, outgoing and funny, which in my book should be the criteria for anyone that speaks to me in a group setting. I mean, honestly, I’m 45 years old, a member of the TV generation and I have the attention span of a 5-year old. If I have to sit still and hear something serious, I am so falling asleep. Don’t believe me? Watch me in my car when I’m waiting to pick up my daughter from school: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Anyway, this psychologist, we’ll call her Dr. Mary, decided to pick on ME first out of all of the parents there. She asked what problem I was having with my children. What I should have said was: “How long do we have tonight?” Instead, I just said: “Attitude. Teenage attitude.” This was enough and launched her into a discussion of how this was perfectly normal and she proceeded to give out various tips and techniques for successfully dealing with teens with attitude.

Then, another mom asked how she could get her kids to do something without having to ask 10 times. Dr. Mary then explained that the best approach is to compliment the child first and then ask them to do something. Ohhhhhh, that’s all I have to do? Doh! I could have been doing this years ago. It’s that simple, really? OK, I’m going to practice now:

“Honey, that mold culture that you’re growing on your bedroom floor under your dirty clothes is really colorful! Could you please throw your underwear down the laundry chute this month?”

or

“Wow, 265 people on your buddy list! That’s quite an accomplishment. Please make sure you start on your homework before 10:30 pm tonight.”

or

“I’m so impressed by the variety of ringtones on your cell phone! Could you please hang up so that we can get to school on time?”

Huh. Who knew that parenting was this easy? Actually, all I could really think when she suggested this technique was: “Have you talked to a teenager recently?” It’s not that I’m questioning her credentials or her experience, but in my house, complimenting a teenager sends up a red flag faster than the word “like” will fly out of her mouth. Teens are, by nature, cynical and skeptical, which is exactly how we moms got that way too. If we say something nice to each other, the first thought is: “What does she want?” It just seems like there should be something a little more stealth like reprogramming their brain stems while they sleep.

Still, I have to give Dr. Mary some props. After all, she’s the person that you send your kid to after you’ve pulled your hair out and your kid has been kicked out of school and you’re ready to lose your mind. There might be something to her tricks of the trade, so to speak. And even though I’ve threatened to send my kids to military academies, I’m OK with slugging it out the old fashioned way – one argument at a time.

“Honey, that’s such a unique way of expressing how you feel! Could you please.....”