The Mom Code

I guess it's time that I spell this out because there are some of you who don't know how it works. Perhaps you've been in a cave or homeschooling your brood in some compound in the middle of nowhere. Whatever the reason, there are moms (and dads) out there that need a refresher course.

The Mom Code, or the Dad Code or Parent Code, is the unspoken agreement which governs inter-parental etiquette. For instance, if I ask you about your kid, the Mom Code dictates that after you brag for 10 minutes about your baby genius, you will then ask me about my kid. I am then allowed an equal amount of time to bore you with the exploits of said offspring. According to the Mom Code, if I have multiple children, I should pick one about which to brag or lump them all into a group called "The Kids" or something generic. The idea here is that we share parenting tales equally. The exception to this rule is if one of my children is particularly awful and I am describing an embarassing or self-depracating situation. I am then allowed slightly more time.

The Mom Code says that you should at least try to remember my kid's name. It understands that mental lapses happen all the time, but if you forget, just ask about "your daughter" and pay attention when the name is given. If our kids have gone to school together for five or more years, don't ignore me at social events. Pretending you don't know me is not very nice.

The Mom Code dictates that whenever and wherever possible, I will give rides or offer play dates to your child and you will do the same. It will never be perfectly equal, but you have to try. I'm happy to help out in a pinch but if I am always the one you call to give your kid a ride home after practice, it would be appreciated if you would do the honors once in a while.

The Mom Code says that it's your responsibility to ask your kid about their day, their weekend, their week. Since children cannot always be relied upon to give us information, this is how you find out that for the third time a row, the English Group Project met at Billy's house and it's time for you to step forward and insist that they meet at yours next time. No, sorry, you don't get a pass if you work full-time. That is what weekends are for and yes, it sucks.

The Mom Code insists that you never yell at other parents, teachers or coaches without having a damn good reason, which should not be based on information supplied only by your child. If you haven't figured this out yet, children view the world with blinders on. They do not fact check and tend to believe what they hear, especially if it is a dramatic morsel whispered by their classmates. Do not automatically assume that your little angel has the story straight. Call me or any other mom or be prepared to approach the situation diplomatically first.

The Mom Code states that we compliment each others' children in sports or other performances. Pick something, anything, to be positive about. Even though my child might shoot a basketball worse than everyone on the team, make a point of mentioning how enthusiastic and dependable he is. I and everyone else sitting in the stands every weekend knows that your kid is the next Michael Jordan but we are growing tired of lavishing praise on you in your vicarious glow without anything in return. If my kid doesn't play sports, take a minute or two to mention how polite or friendly she is. On some days, this could be the only positive thing I hear. If my child sang badly in the school concert, be prepared to lie through your teeth and say how cute he was.

The Mom Code says that if you gossip, you'd better watch your back. It will come back to bite you in the butt. If you must gossip, it should be well-disguised in a veil of compassion: "Mary is so good-hearted. It surprised me that she didn't bring anything to the teacher appreciation party. She used to practically run that event!" This gives you a moment to think about what a bitch you are being while still allowing you to be human.

The Mom Code is not understanding of moms whose kids are in eight after-school activities or who have multiple children and therefore does not tolerate whining from said parents. It is understood that you chose to let your kid join all of those activities and, well, nobody told you and hubby to get "cozy" quite so often, if you know what I mean. Being busy does not give you a pass from the rules of the code. Passes are given out for deaths, divorces, injury, illnesses and mental health issues. And no, being a mom is not a mental health issue. Nice try.

The Mom Code insists that you never take advantage of stay-at-home moms even if they have only one child and seem to have all day to lounge. You are welcome to ask for a favor, but if you make it a habit, be prepared to offer financial compensation or lose any existing friendship.

The Mom Code instructs us to never criticize each other's parenting skills. We are all amateurs, no matter how many children we have. None of us has a manual and all of us are making this up as we go along. The day I criticize Sybill for the fact that her son can't sit still in class is the day that the principal will call my house to ask why my daughter can't seem to keep her mouth shut. All of us have the ability to be good or bad parents, although sometimes the lines are blurred.

The Mom Code, although seemingly tough at times, also encourages us to help each other out because on some days, parenting is a lonely job. We should be there to build each other up, not break each other down.

Oh and by the way, the Mom Code has another name. It's also known as Common Sense.