The Queen of Mean

I've been looking at this all wrong. I guess I'm a glass is half-empty kind of gal. The point is, well, I'm not sure how to say this without sounding like I'm bragging, but I'm pretty much all-powerful and in control of the world. How else can you explain my apparent knowledge of the location of all of the socks, books and car keys? The English project that my daughter had to stay up until midnight to do? That was me, or in kid-speak, my fault. On the days when my daughter has nothing to wear, well, let's give credit where credit is due: I just didn't take her shopping often enough. This morning when she burnt her breakfast because the oven rack was too close to the broiler - all me. Or, as she preferred to explain it: "I hate you SO much." Apparently for not moving an oven rack. Damn, I'm good.

When I stop and think about it, this is pretty cool. I'm affecting the outcome of all kinds of things. Things I don't even know about. In fact, there are probably things that haven't yet happened that I'm responsible for. I sort of feel like the Harry Potter of my little world. I've been losing jewelry, notebooks and permission slips for years - who knew?! It's obvious now, I'm making my children's lives a living hell. I just need to learn to enjoy it more.

The other night when my daughter begged to stay out late on a school night, I totally ruined her social life by telling her to ride home on her bike (the one without a light) before it was dark. Brilliant!

This summer, there are loads of opportunities to wield my power: sleepovers to deny, not giving rides to movies at a moment's notice, ending instant messaging sessions after 4 hours, waking children up before noon, not having swimsuits washed soon enough, forcing them to eat one healthy meal a week. I'll definitely be "thanked" for these and a myriad of other actions. My friends, life is good. If I had a cigar, I'd smoke it....if it weren't for the smell and the health issues.

I'm here to say this about motherhood: Life is a bowl of cherries and we're providing the pits. We get none of the credit and all of the blame. It might be dangerous to say, but I'm starting to understand how God feels. Wow....cool.