Motherhood, insanity and everyday life.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Wham Bam Mammogram!

Ah, what a way to start the day. First I drive to a nice office near my home. It's decorated in soft, comfortable tones and the nice women that work there are all pleasant and attractive. Then one of them leads me into a room, chit chats for a bit, asks predictable questions, then marches me over to a machine where she slams my breasts between two pieces of plastic and tells me not to breathe. Good morning!

It's my annual ritual you see, because I have a history of breast cancer in my family and because I've had two biopsies a.k.a. two incidents which were painful and scared the hell out of me and made me panic about who will take the dog out when I'm dead. Still, every year I go in there expecting the worst. And it is, the worst that is, but not THE worst, which would be the dreaded phone call saying that I need to come back.

But you know what would be the BEST?! If men had to do this once a year...with their penises. I can just picture a man walking into a room and having his family jewels slammed between two pieces of plastic. "Oh honey, it was horrible! It hurt so much. I don't think I can take out the garbage for at least a month." Am I right? Whereas, I'll be doing dishes in about 5 minutes here, once I'm done venting about this horrible/necessary/hated/important thing I have to do once a year.

I know, there's probably something that evens the score between men and women, but I think in the regular medical check-up genre, we win, hands down. Not only do we have mammograms, but we have gyno appointments! Again - good morning! What do men have? Oh wait, a doctor gently holds their you-know-whats, tells them to turn their head and cough? Man, that's living!

Despite my complaining, it's still OK. I'm resigned to the fact that these are important things to do and that the medical field tries to make us as comfortable as possible. Plus, I get to be a girl. Shopping! Complaining! Girlfriends! Crying for no reason! Chick flicks! Chick-Lit! Kids who need me! Makeup! Hair stylists! Dammit life is good. I'll take a once-a-year boob slam to make sure I'm healthy!


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