Divine Secrets of the Jealous Momhood

I believe that being a mother means that you're part of a sisterhood. With the birth of your first child, you are instantly a member of a club of women who understand you. They know what it is to be bone-numbingingly tired. To hurt when your child hurts and to feel wounded when your offspring discard you for something more interesting - their friends. Mothers share an unspoken bond that crosses ages, cultures and incomes. We're all in this together. We feel each other's pain.

Which is exactly why I think it's important that we call out those in the Momhood that are screwing it up for the rest of us. You know who you are. I read about one of you in Time Magazine this week. You stay up until 2 a.m. decorating your childrens' lunchbags. In my neighborhood, you're the mom that has baked no less than seven varieties of Christmas cookies and packaged them in delightful little containers to give away to friends and helpers. You've finished your Christmas shopping by Halloween and you jump at the chance to host a holiday party, no matter what the holiday. Your kids' costumes for any performance are perfect - no better than perfect - they're freakin' Broadway quality. Edith Head would be envious. They don't just look good, they're creative. And they're not held together by safety pins and duct tape.

And let's talk about you - your appearance. You're cute. No, you're not just cute, you're adorable. You've popped six children out of that taut little tummy and you still look better than Julia Roberts. You don't live to eat chocolate, like the rest of us. You eat to nourish your well-toned body. (Oh gag.) You don't guzzle gallons of coffee to stay awake, you indulge in an occasional low-fat, soy latte with a sprinkle of cinnamon as a little treat.

Your hair - perfect. And always in style. Not like the rest of us who have worn the same style for 20 years. You would look great in a burlap sack, but no, you've thrown together a great-looking ensemble that says casual, yet classy.

Your home - always spotless but with a comfortable lived-in look accented by candid photos of your adorable children all in homemade frames. You have at least six hobbies and you do them all, extremely well...often for charity. And in between craft projects, you're cooking an insanely good home-cooked meal no matter how many extra-curricular activities your kids are involved in.

That's another thing - you're never stressed, frazzled or unavailable. You juggle four carpools with the ease of a chauffer. And yet you arrive at school and are able to engage in endless small-talk with the other "debu-moms" and coo over each other's toddlers.

I don't know how you do it, but I hate you for it. Stop it - you're making the rest of us look really bad!