Swimsuit Issue

As stated in my profile, I subscribe to Sports Illustrated. Although I love watching pro football, I get this magazine because I love the writing and I love the stories about the athletes. The agony of defeat and the ecstasy of victory and all that kind of stuff. I don't really care what somebody's RBI is or about shooting percentages. I like to read about kids who overcame great odds or athletes that are actually good people.

In any case, what's a little strange is that despite the fact that there are two men in my house - my husband and my 17-year old son, neither one ever reads my issues of SI. My son doesn't because he could care less about sports. My husband doesn't because, well, because he probably thinks it's for amateurs. If you have to read SI, then you don't really know what's happening. Whatever.

Once a year, this changes. Once a year, the infamous Swimsuit Issue comes out and, all of a sudden, it's more popular in my house than a new bag of chips. Fortunately, the editors were smart enough to publish it separately from the actual magazine. Consequently, if my timing is right, I can simply put it right in the recycling stack along with the old newspapers and continue to enjoy the regular issue. If my husband or son get it ahead of time, well then fine. No big deal. This year, I did NOT do this. I swear. It just never came. I was actually happy, since a few trees were saved by not delivering this to me.

I didn't think much of it until recently when my husband asked me in his "suspicious" voice: "So where IS the Swimsuit Issue?" I told him the truth. He didn't believe me. I told him it was either never delivered or the mailman stole it. Since then, he's brought it up a couple more times, as in: "Hmmm, that's funny because I saw Jay Leno hold it up on The Tonight Show the other night." I told him to leave me alone and to stop it. It isn't here, I don't know why, but I'm certainly not going to call subscriber services and complain. (Wouldn't that raise a few eyebrows - a woman complaining about not getting the Swimsuit Issue.)

Look, I don't really care if it does eventually show up. Hell, I'll wrap it up and put it under my husband's pillow. But I'm not going out of my way to get it here. It's tough enough being a stay-at-home mom when everyone's current idea of a housewife is Eva Longoria or Terri Hatcher. (Yeah, that's realistic.) I can't compete with them, so I won't even try. Except to say, "Look honey, I bought some new chips!"