When You Go

Only a moment ago we had nothing but time
Everything lasted forever and you were all mine
Only a dream I know
Thinking you'd never go
Tearing off pieces of myself
Just for the time it buys me

Fold my heart up small
Or break it into pieces
Find somewhere and keep it there
Take it when you go

“When You Go” – Jonathan Coulton

Here we are again, saying goodbye. It’s not the end of the world, but as you begin your final year of college, I find myself panicking to remember everything I should have thought about long ago.

Have I made enough of our time together? I wish I could say yes. Have I said all that a mother should say to her child? Of course not. Have I taught you everything? No, but have I taught you enough? Again, probably not.

How can I even begin to prepare you for where you will be at the end of this school year? I try and remember what my senior year was like. Truthfully, it was far more focused on on socializing than planning the rest of my life. And when graduation rolled around, I was terrified. Somehow, improbably, I landed on my feet. I think God and your Dad are totally responsible for that.

Three years ago, you left here a boy. I remember that day we dropped you off at that gigantic campus filled with nothing but strangers. You looked like were you going to your execution. But you stayed the course and, in time, found your niche, your friends and so many gifts.

Today, you’re a man. How the heck did that happen? There’s absolutely nothing in any parenting manuals to prepare you for the day that you look up at your child and realize that he is an adult.

I think you know that we’re proud of you, but you probably don’t realize that we embarrass ourselves sometimes at social events by talking about you to excess. Perhaps we’re living vicariously through you or perhaps it’s just hard to believe that we’re related to someone so talented and so humble. Either way, we feel blessed and we hope you do too.

So here’s what I really need to say: Forgive me if I hold on too tight, if I “over-mother” at a point when I should start loosening my grip. As with every other parenting challenge, I’m just making it up as I go along. It worked pretty well for the first 21 years. I’m hoping it will work for the next 21.